So Crates: the Original Squirtle

So Crates was a Classical Greek philosopher between the years of 469 BC and 399 BC. Shortly thereafter, he decided to live out his remaining years as a corpse. Right before his dramatic change of occupation, So Crates uttered these historic last words to his friend, Crito, "Crito, we owe a cock to Asclepius. Please, don't forget to pay the debt." That debt was paid off in full.

While such information is readily available at your local internet and is already well-known and studied by caffeine-driven, moustache-toting scholars (read: unemployed), one major facet of So Crate's life has remained a mystery for countless hours. Considered to be lost to the ages, this information had been well-sought after and tormented many who tried finding it.

However, mere hours ago, archeologists have uncovered what they believe to hold the key to unlocking the lock-box that is So Crate's secret. Tonight, for the first time ever, So Crate's hidden life will be revealed to the public. So Crates was...the Original Squirtle. Find out more on this exciting discovery after our break.

Jeromeo and Julibitch

Get in herre Gospel Choir

Choir. Two hoods, both like each utha in dey pride,
In musty Harlemna, where we lay this bitch out,
From dis old-ass beef we gots a new perturbation,
Wheres ghetto blood makes deez ghetto hands all nasty.
From fo'th the fatal nuts of deez two gangs
A coupla crazy-ass'd niggas take they lives.

____________________________________________

Sizzeen 2. Capuass' alley.
Jeromeo gets all up on stage.

[Julibitch shows her ass all up in her window.

Jeromeo. Soft butt! What that light is?!
Aw shit! Iss da east side, and Julibitch is da sun! --
Getcho ass up sun, and pop a cap in the mutha fuckin moon,
But moon, you is all sick and shit,
Cuz you maid gets all da menz and you ain't get shit.
Don't be no nigga's maid, cuz bitch be jealous;
And dat bitch wears some nappy shit,
And only da bitch-ass-hos wear dat shit; so getcho ass naked. --
Iz mah bitch; Ho, iss mah boo!
Ho, why you ain't know it!--
Bitch says something, but she ain't say shit; the fuck is that?
Her eye's all fucked up; I'ma see what's up wit' her fucked up eyes
I ain't too bold. Bitch should talk to me.
Dem 2 bright-ass stars,
Have ta gota werk, and they be askin her fucked up eyes
To shine like a mutha fucka while they be out.
What if her eyes was there and they in her head?!
Sheeit....I'ma git me some head when bitch ain't lookin.
Just pop my balls all up in she cheeks
And she wash em all like a coupla golf ballz.
Shortayz be all gossipin' thinkin bitch ain't right.
But I'ma slap 'em wit' my dick and sho em, aight?
Look at dat bitch puttin her hand on she cheek.
Ho, if I was you glove on dat hand
I'd slap dat phat ass of yours!

Julibitch. Oh shit!

Jeromeo. (To heself) Julibitch, I dare ya to say one mo' word!
Don't make me come up there and stick mah fat dick up yo ass,
Oh I betchoo'd love dat you dirtay, dirtay girl.
You like dem white women
Who make us niggas fall on us backs
While us lazy-ass niggas puff dat chronic
And ride dat fat ass.

Julibitch. Oh Jeromeo, Jeromeo! Where you at Jeromeo?!
Forgit you daddy and change you name, sheeit.
If you ain't do dat shit, juss say you love my ass,
And I ain't be no Capuass.

Jeromeo. (To heself) I thought I told ya to shut up, Julibitch!

Julibitch. You name is like da cap in my ass.
You is youself even if you ain't no Montanegro.
The fuck is Montanegro? It ain'tcho hands or feets,
Notcho arms or faces or any utha part
Dat belongs to a nigga. Getchoself sum utha name!
What the fuck is in a name, nigga? Sheeit, that bitch we call Rose
By any utha name would smell as musty.
God-dam Jeromeo would, if he ain't Jeromeo called,
Keep his big-ass dick.
Jeromeo, lose yo fuckin name,
And trade dat name in,
Fo a 2 fo 1 special wit' me and ma momma Missy Capuass!

Jeromeo. Daaaaamn you a crazy bitch!

- The Pannodrome

P.S. Stay tuned for new episodes in the Jeromeo and Julibitch saga!
Other projects to look forward to: Bromeo and Sororiet, Homeo and Julio, and more!